Something to ‘wig’ out about

There were two things that I knew about wigs when I woke up this morning.

One was that no matter how funny somebody else thinks it will be, if you're seven-years old and in church, it's not a good idea to reach up and yank the wig off your mother's head during the sermon. Everybody loses on that one, even if it is pretty funny in theory. Trust me.

Mom's head is exposed, revealing a jumble of bobby pins and ratty hair to the rest of the congregation. You get the evil eye, a finger wag and a bug-eyed scowl that foretells of some serious scolding later on at grandma's house. And everybody else just leaves church that day feeling kind of weird about witnessing it.

The other thing I knew about wigs was that it was once part of a popular catch phrase among the younger set way back when Joan Rivers could actually move her lips and before Monica Lewinsky went dress shopping at The Gap. We'd say stuff like, "Dude, if I don't get back into my house before midnight, my mom's going to totally wig out."

Or, "Why are you wigging out about this, Ma? All I did was glue my shop teacher's coffee mug to his desk. It's not like I murdered anybody."

You might also describe mom's reaction to having her wig removed in church thusly: "She completely wigged out."

Also, I lied. There were actually three things that I knew about wigs before I woke up today. I'd forgotten that my nephew, Dan, looks like a member of Spinal Tap when he wears a wig.

See what I mean?

Thanks to the Internet, though, my knowledge of wigs has taken a serious uptick -- especially in the department of wig hygiene. Evidently, there is a sizable market of wig wearers faced with a dilemma most of us would never think about: dirty wigs, filled with bacteria. Enter the Wig Purifier http://www.wigpurifier.com/, which claims to be the world's first wig purifying device in the video on its Web site.

The ad's main selling point, aside from proving that a small human head and shoulders could fit inside of it, is a scare tactic written in all caps: "BACTERIA CAN LIVE IN YOUR HAIRPIECE FOR WEEKS."

Hear that, Donald Trump? Weeks!

I know, I know … The Donald's hair is his own and blah, blah, blah. They say that if you see Trump on a windy day, it proves it. I say it proves nothing and that he's probably got that thing glued or stapled to his dome. That or he's wearing some kind of invisible chinstrap. If it's glued or stapled, then he'll need to special order a Wig Purifier big enough to fit his whole head and ego inside comfortably.

After all, "BACTERIA CAN LIVE IN YOUR HAIRPIECE FOR WEEKS."

Just think of the potential disaster that means for wig-wearing pig farmers, what with "Swine Flu" making the rounds. Thank God for the Wig Purifier, which apparently works by using "ozone technology."

It's even made by a company called Ozone Clean, LLC. Yet, my favorite part of this rug-cleaner breakthrough device is the comments section on the Web site where I first saw it.

The first person sarcastically says: "Hey, it took me weeks to culture those bacteria!"

The next, my personal favorite, says: "I just got one, but when I opened the box, Stephen Hawking's head yelled at me to turn the lights back out."

Several posts later, another person pointed out that the Environmental Protection Agency says Ozone-generating products are harmful to the environment. They also provided a link http://www.epa.gov/iaq/pubs/ozonegen.html.

But when has a little danger to the environment ever stopped Americans from pursuing an ingenious idea? Never. That's when.

And, so, I'm sure the Wig Purifier will make the lives of wig wearers much better. After all, with this little baby doing it's Ozone magic on their head coverings, wig enthusiasts can stop going through the old-fashioned and more tedious process of removing bacteria – which I found at http://www.wigsnhairpieces.com/.

Note my editorial comments in (parenthesis).

"Generally, a wig should be washed after 12-15 wearings. Factors such as air quality and humidity will contribute to frequency of washing, as it does with your own hair. Always keep your own hair clean when wearing your wig to reduce washing frequency (and to avoid humiliation, always make sure to staple your wig to your head if you have young children).

• Before washing, brush straight styles gently but completely with a wire brush. Brush curly styles lightly with a vent brush or pick, keeping curls intact.
• Add a cap of Wig Shampoo (Wig Shampoo? Seriously?) to basin of cool water. Never use hot water. (Unless you're going for the Richard Simmons look) Immerse wig, dousing it gently (making sure not to drown it), and allow to soak for 2 minutes. Rinse completely by swishing in clean, cool water (Ahhh …). Gently squeeze excess water from wig. For high luster and softness, apply hair conditioner (What, there's no wig conditioner?). Leave on 5 minutes and rinse well, in cool water. Gently squeeze out excess water.
• On curly styles, lightly finger squeeze curls while wig is still wet. (Think of that skit from "The Kids in the Hall" I'm squishing your head! I'm squishing your head!)
• On all styles, gently towel blot wig to remove excess wetness. Place wig on a form and allow to air dry naturally. Do NOT comb or brush a wet wig unless you are completely restyling it. (Or you are completely insane!) After wig is dry, shake out and style.
• Always place dry wig on wig stand when not being worn. (Never place it on a German Shepherd or your Uncle Louie, while he's sleeping)
• Human Hair Blends and 100% Human Hair wigs should be blow dried and or set to achieve a natural look. You may want Fashion Wigs to do this for you professionally. (For a steep price)
• Even if you wash your own wig, occasional professional styling by us is important. (Because that's how we get rich off your crome dome's cover). We charge between - for this service, depending on whether your wig is synthetic, or Human Hair. (Somebody needs a copy editor at wigsnhairpieces.com)
• If you are out of our area you can send us your wig and we will return it to you, washed, conditioned and styled. (Even though that's one of the creepiest things you could possibly imagine) Shipping charges will be added to the cost. (Because, like we said earlier, we don't do this crap for free. Do you know how long BACTERIA CAN LIVE IN YOUR HAIRPIECE? WEEKS!"

So, you see, the Wig Purifier is really a Godsend to the human race, even if it might further the destruction of our ozone layer and lead to the downfall of the entire planet via Global Warming. At least its advocates, while floating aimlessly on a raft fashioned out of styrofoam coolers and twine, will be comforted knowing their weaves are spiffy clean.

Also, I lied about the earlier lying. There were actually four things I knew about wigs before I woke up today. The fourth? Once, while visiting St. Petersburg, Fla., I walked past a store called "Wig Villa."

I found it amusing, so I took a picture of it with my cell phone. The photo has since been destroyed, but Wig Villa has not. Turns out they have a Wig Villa in Orlando, too. There's even a Wig Villa, Inc., and a Web site http://www.wigvillaonline.com/.

I should tell my mom about that place.