Beijing = clean potties?

Date it ran: 09/25/05
Headline: SUMMER OLYMPICS MEANS BEIJING NEEDS SOME POTTY TRAINING

Today, we bring you some great news about public toilets.

Beijing, China -- site of the 2008 Summer Olympics -- is improving its public potties. All together now: "Shew! What a relief!"

Literally.

Now, those who'd like to go (to the Olympics), but were petrified of having to go (to the bathroom), can do so virtually without worry in Beijing. According to Reuters, the city's Xicheng District has for the first time in history -- predating even Kublai Khan -- installed strict public toilet regulations.

Rumor has it Khan secretly favored cleaner restrooms, too, but was afraid that putting those small pink "mints" in the urinals could be taken as a sign of weakness. Pink urinal mints, after all, are just a few small steps away from having hand-warmers and hot cocoa machines in public bathrooms. And no self-respecting Mongolian emperor worth his weight in paper towel would stand for that nonsense.

Thus, for centuries, the public commodes in Beijing made our dank, grizzled truck stop johns seem like something out of a four-page Home & Garden spread. Home & Garden Bathroom Decorating Tip No. 23: "Carving 'Clem wuz heere' on the back of the door really jazzes up your bathroom décor.

Seriously, though, the rest of the world should be thrilled about Beijing taking such a progressive step forward with its public restrooms. Now, Olympic spectators won't have to watch their steps (forward, backward or sideways) when visiting the little boys or girls room.

And just how will Beijing do it?

Well, the city has hired 400 public potty inspectors to make sure everything is up to ... uh ... sniff. "Environmental workers," is the official term for these Fantastic 400, but their dirty little job entails, quite literally, inspecting the public potties.

Thus, they are PPIs (which, spelled backward is I-P-P, and that makes me giggle).

As part of Beijing's new bathroom standards, PPIs will roam the city looking for violations of the new code -- which states that no more than two flies or two pieces of trash or waste are allowed in public toilets at any one time. Not making that up, either.

Kind of makes you wish we had PPIs here, doesn't it?

According to Reuters, Beijing vowed this would be "the largest toilet revolution" in its history.

It's expected to surpass the Tang Dynasty's Toilet Revolution of 672, wherein the Tang Army -- clad in orange and green armor -- beat back the toilets with a full-on plunger assault. Or, so I'm told.

So, we only can assume that rogue flies buzzing around Beijing's public facilities in groups of three or more now will be promptly detained and shipped to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Anyway, I heartily applaud Beijing for this bold movement (so to speak), and I don't even plan to attend the '08 Olympics. I do, however, plan to use public restrooms in the foreseeable future.

And let me tell you, the Chinese are onto something.

America needs strict public bathroom rules, too, such as: "Flushing is a requirement, not an option."

And: "No talking to yourself -- or imaginary friends -- under any circumstances while sitting on the can. Ever."

Also, we should do away with sinks that run only hand-numbing cold or skin-peeling hot, and urinals stationed too low, too high or too close together.

I could continue, believe me. But I won't. I'm too busy jotting down notes for a possible second career -- as one of those public potty inspectors.